Are you one of
those women whose eyes are always drawn away, whose gaze greedily tracks, swallows whole, sadly follows the object of your attention, as it is gathered up by someone else, as it follows someone else's footsteps home? That hollow feeling of want that rises up in the back of your throat whenever you see one... how do you deal with that? Knowing that it will be years before you have your first, before your dream idea of a perfect family can be made real?
I was out at the park today, all greenly summered in new grass and dotted with tiny flowers. Families were out and about in force, a gaggle of boys played hacky sack, the bees flitted from bloom to bloom and a houseboat or two glided past on the canals. I had brought a book out, a suitably serious one that I'd already previously read before, but for the sake of appearing like an intellectual, took out for a spin again, but I couldn't concentrate. There were too many of them, running around, bounding up and down to strangers expecting love and affection in that good natured, naive way they have, cuddling up to their families, laughing and smiling.
It will be a few years before Jeff and I can have one of our own. It is dependent on so many things - if we stay together, if we buy a house, if we settle in Sydney. There are too many variables and everytime I see one out my heart aches selfishly. If I could, I would have one now, but that would be extremely selfish. What kind of life could I give it, here in my tiny flat where I work 50 hour weeks and travel so constantly?
It wouldn't be fair on the poor thing, so I guess we'll just have to wait until we've settled down somewhere and have a house with a garden out the back. Now the only question is - what breed do we want? A chocolate Lab? A paws-like-dinner-plates German Shepherd? A irascible Border Collie? Or a water-loving Golden Retriever?
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